But most men in stepfamilies feel a certain degree of torment about it or guilt or worry or anxiety. If you are negotiating with your partner around that, you want to be able to speak to that. You want to lead by empathizing.”
So if your husband sees his kids only a few nights every week or month and you’ve got a big work event that coincides with a visit from the children, ask yourself if you really need him there with you. Consider what you’re asking him to give up.
“I feel badly for the man. You love your children. You love your new wife, and they both need to know you’re there for them. What an impossible situation. I have a lot of empathy for the men in that situation,” says author Anne O’Connor.
“I try to remember that when I want to tell my husband something. It’s hard to remember when you’re really not getting what you want or need. When you’re angry, sit down once a week with women and talk about it and vent your feelings. You can never expect a husband to listen to you vent about his kids. You can’t rant. You can speak respectfully, but you can’t rant about someone’s kids, no matter how much right you think you have.”
Your husband absolutely loves his children, and he’s going to feel defensive if you bad-mouth his kids—even if he agrees with you. So be gentle and respectful of his feelings if you need to bring up a gripe about one of the children.
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